Author Topic: Husband passed away recently, need support  (Read 5026 times)

Offline geeket

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Husband passed away recently, need support
« on: January 11, 2010, 11:24:40 pm »
I never saw this coming!! My husband passed away Sept. 21st 3 weeks after he was diagnosed with non smoking lung cancer.
I am having such a hard time.  I have been a RS pres. twice, held almost every position a woman can hold in the church, and have a very strong testimony.
I can't believe how hard it is!!! I have 8 wonderful children, all but 7 are married.  The 8th still lives at home and she's a senior in high school and a great young woman.  We are a support to each other and I'm grateful for her.
I thought it would be better knowing John and I are sealed for eternity, but I miss him so much.
I won't have him to serve a mission with, grow old with, etc....
I am used to helping others and this is a very humbling season of my life.
I can't seem to get through this....I have faith, and hope.  I'm not used to asking for help...a lesson I know I need to learn, but....
I would so appreciate any advice and prayers.
Esther

Offline itsjustme

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Re: Husband passed away recently, need support
« Reply #1 on: January 12, 2010, 10:24:37 am »
I'm so sorry to hear of your husband's death.  I'm sure it must be so hard.  I will certainly pray for you!
I think that your feelings and reactions sound pretty normal to me.  You've suffered a terrible loss that will take time to heal. Be gentle and patient with yourself.  It's okay to feel sad and lonely and to miss him!  That doesn't mean you don't have faith, or that your testimony is weak...it just means that you love him! :)
There are others on the board that are way more eloquent with words than I am...so I'll just send hugs and loves and prayers!  Hang in there. 

Offline egillespie

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Re: Husband passed away recently, need support
« Reply #2 on: January 12, 2010, 12:19:54 pm »
No idea what to say, but loved what President Hinckley said when his dear Marjorie passed away. And at my uncle in law's funeral when he talked to my aunt in law, he told her it would not be easy, she would miss him, she would not always receive comfort, the process would not be hastened, and that was all part of the plan. Later, when his own wife died, he said it was hard, even for him.

Offline sonah

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Re: Husband passed away recently, need support
« Reply #3 on: January 12, 2010, 12:28:58 pm »
I am so sorry for your loss and that you are going through this process of so much grief.

It brought back memories from some 27 years ago.
Shortly after I broke up with my boyfriend, I heard that his dad had died and left behind 6 kids and 1 on the way. My ex-boyfriends mom (age 42 when her husband passed away) used to call me on my birthday for many years, still does sometimes. She would always tell me how much she missed her hubby and best buddy, how much she hated going to bed alone, how she missed seeing him smile, sitting besides her, not being able to talk things through, preparing him his favourite meal, having a patriarch in her home, she felt so alone with her thoughts. Her children, some of them were living overseas, would have her visit with them a lot. Ofcourse she still had the newborn baby and that helped her to focus on the next day and the next and the next...

Even if your marriage is sealed for eternity, even if you find comfort in knowing that you will be reunited one day...knowing all this does not make the hurt go away. Did you also feel angry, maybe with God? It is something you have to deal with, no matter how difficult that might be, because it will make you stronger in the end. I really feel for you... I have been worried about my hubby every now and then because in his family the men have a history of dying too young in general (under 60)   and my dh has been having a lot of stress the last decade, so sometimes I am scared that the day might come that his body just won't take it anymore. That is so scary. I can only imagine what it must be like, when that really happens....

So, has the RSP or your VT's been checking on you? Do you feel like there's people you can open up to, does anybody ever ask you how you're doing? Be honest to them, when they do.
A friend of mine if very concerned for her mom (80 y.o.) who has lost her husband like 6 years ago and just can't find the joy in her life these days. But talking does help, knowing that there is somebody that will care for you, if even for a moment...
I hope you will have loving and caring people come to you, I hope you will find peace in your heart and I hope you will gradually start feeling better again. hugs all the way from europe...

Offline geeket

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Re: Husband passed away recently, need support
« Reply #4 on: January 12, 2010, 10:14:35 pm »
Thank you all so very much for your love and advice.  I am surrounded by amazing people and our ward has been family.  I have a great Bishopric and Stake president.  I feel very blessed in the tender mercies we have received.
I know that as time goes by, I will be able to 'face' the world, but it is so hard right now.  I honestly have lost my passion, that spark that I had that brought so much joy in my life.  I yearn for it again and know it will one day return.
Please know that I appreciate each of you and it helps that lonely feeling I have in my heart.

Offline pitterpatterchildren

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Re: Husband passed away recently, need support
« Reply #5 on: January 13, 2010, 05:17:41 pm »
Dear geeket,

I am so sorry!  I know that you are hurting and lonely.  Stay on here, talk to the women who are here and talk to your friends.  As one sister said, that is so important.  Also plan to do things that you enjoy.  See if you can find joy in serving and doing even if you feel like it is gone now.  Just know that our thoughts and prayers are with you.  Know that you are always held in the palm of His hand and that He knows your sorrow.
Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass.  Life is about learning to dance in the rain.

Offline forman

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Re: Husband passed away recently, need support
« Reply #6 on: January 15, 2010, 08:26:46 am »
My heart is hurting for you...this must be so hard.  Loss is never easy, that is one thing we can all agree on.  I am glad that you have a support of a good ward and many children who can also be there.  My father passed away suddenly and I think the unexpectedness was part of worst part.  Yes time does help some...but keeping yourself in a good frame of mind helps as well...make sure you don't isolate...you will still be going through a process for some time.  I myself found moving helped.  Not that I planned on it...but not having everything that reminded me of my father...helped. My dad knew everyone and went all over, so I would find myself crying passing the Cal-Ranch store (one of his favorites) I know this is still really fresh for you.  Allow yourself time, remember pray for comfort, ask for blessings incase no one asks u, look for ways to serve...maybe something your dh felt passionate about or something totally new.  thanks for sharing your thoughts with us...it is so nice to have  place where we can express our trials and our triumphs...praying for you...

Offline terrisue

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Re: Husband passed away recently, need support
« Reply #7 on: January 16, 2010, 10:37:52 am »
Dear Friend,
  I am not on the board alot but had to reply to your post.  I am SO sorry for your loss! There are fewer things that are harder to deal with.  My heart and prayers are with you. Please know that you are surrounded by people who love you-seen and unseen and that you  will start to feel joy again in life. you will feel that you will begin to enjoy things again--and that it as it should be.  Don't feel guilty if you laugh, are happy and have enthusiasm again in life. This is part of His plan for you and trusting Heavenly Father in that will truly help your healing. But also don't be surprised if you have days, even down the road where the hurt seems very fresh again.  That is all part of the healing process--it is just all too big to deal with at once. Stay close to your Heavenly Father and to those around you and you will get to the other side of this.  You are loved --don't ever fortget that

Offline Reboingo

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Re: Husband passed away recently, need support
« Reply #8 on: January 17, 2010, 01:12:00 am »
Geeket, your post made me think of a good friend of mine whose father and little brother drowned in an accident when she was young.  As you can imagine, her mom couldn't even get out of bed for several days her grief was so great.  I'm not sure of the time frame, but I think it was within a week or 2, the bishop called her to be the Relief Society President.  She begged him not to give her this calling, but he just told her it wasn't him giving her the calling.

I remember my friend telling me that it was the best thing that could have happened to her as it forced her to get out and serve others...which is kind of an antidepressant in and of itself.

I know it must be SO hard to think of going on a mission without your sweet husband once your daughter leaves home, but perhaps it could be just the thing that would put a little joy back into your life?  Even a local mission that kept you busy.

Not to say you won't be sad or overwhelmed by how much you miss him.  My parents died in a car accident when I was 10 years old, and I still miss them and feel grief at the loss of their presence in my life.  But I do think a distraction of serving others might help you get back on your feet.

I loved Elder Uchtdorf's talk in this months Ensign...http://lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?locale=0&sourceId=7bdeaf79ec2b5210VgnVCM100000176f620a____&vgnextoid=f318118dd536c010VgnVCM1000004d82620aRCRD

Keep holding on!  Lots and lots of prayers and love....

Rebecca
« Last Edit: January 17, 2010, 01:13:38 am by Reboingo »

 

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